Wednesday, 24 June 2009

Its approaching 2am. I have been trying to send myself to sleep for almost two hours with no success whatsoever. Its a familiar experience. The causes of my persistent insomnia are equally familiar. The first is a poor post-evening routine in which I tend to perform mind-intensive tasks more or less until the moment I jump into bed. The second, and much more significant, is stress. Now, I must make it known that I don't have all that much to be stressed about. I have an incredible girlfriend, I scrape by doing what I love to do and I go day-to-day with very few things getting me down. That said, I'm a few pence short of a full shilling and I'll just about worry about anything if it enters my head. The focus for this worrying for the last year or so has been time; namely the passing of it. I go round and round in circles in my head thinking about how much tme has passed since a particular event in my life; all basically driven by being afraid of getting older.

What is really crazy is that these worries are unfounded; I even have my own logic to dissolve them. People always talk about how short life is. It really isn't. My mind has collected only scattered memories of my life experience and even those baffle me with their quantity. When I begin to think about all the mundane work hours/walks/train journeys my brain chose to discard to make room for the good stuff I appreciate even more how slow the pace of life actually is. The problem is that despite all this, I still don't like the idea of getting older. Not one bit. Maybe its an innate fear in all of us, but I've got it pretty bad and no matter how I try to get around it, when it comes time to lay my head on the pillow, this fear keeps me up every night until I'm so tired that my body just gives up. I'd like ot think that I love life so much that its slow expiration is enough to worry me but I imagine its a little more to do with some sort of permanent mental instability I have little to no control over. Regardless, I seem to stuck with this plague for the foreseeable future.

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